So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
