We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
