I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
