mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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