I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
