Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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