we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
