Already got asked if we're dating
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
this beer tastes like vomit already
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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