He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
