I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize