OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
