Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
