Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize