How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
