with your own penis?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
