He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
