I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
