My liver just broke up with me...
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I need a burrito and a hug.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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