I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
