1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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