Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
