woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
