True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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