a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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