you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
