They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
