True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
