Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize