if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
