i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
