GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Randomize
