i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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