hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
