don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
