I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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