I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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