2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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