If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
