I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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