If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
