If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
