apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
