she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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