At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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