It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
