I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Randomize
