JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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