so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
