then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
