genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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