If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
