I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
