he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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