My girlfriend figured out who you are.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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