dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I would ride that face into the sunset
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize