Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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