Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
are you so shy because you have an std?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
