My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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