it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
