You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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