Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
