So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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