After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
