I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
