It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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